Life in Britain is getting darker by the day. But it’s not just inflation, NHS waiting lists and Putin to blame. It’s also the sharp rise in antisocial behavior. That’s why the government has announced a crackdown on nitrous oxide (aka laughing gas), graffiti, fly-tipping and unruly tenants.
That’s all very good. But in my view, that doesn’t go far enough. There are even worse forms of antisocial behavior that we must ban. And if the Tories want any chance of winning the next election, they must act now.
Here are the top 10. I am demanding that the legislation be passed in the House of Commons by this afternoon at the latest.
B. Broadcasting music from the speakers of one’s mobile phone in a public place. It’s not just mindless. It’s aggressive. The acoustic equivalent of a cat marking its territory. Blowing a vile noise from his phone at maximum volume, the owner (invariably a sinister young man) says, “This bus/park/cemetery belongs to me. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Well, there is, but you wouldn’t dare. So now you not only feel annoyed, you also feel cowardly.”
This is why everyone should be required by law to use headphones. But not cheap, shabby ones that emit a tinny, bubbling roar reminiscent of a bluebottle trying to get through a closed window.
2. Men who go topless in the summer
We don’t let women go topless. So why men? Finally, Men look a lot worse. The British summer is a three month barbecue of sizzling manly back fat and roasted moob.
3. Cyclists bringing their bikes on trains
As it is, there’s barely enough room to stand even before irritated middle-aged men in tights begin lugging half Halfords’ storage space on board.
A Tory peer called for it last year Cyclists should be banned from using the phone. I would prefer if they were banned from using bicycles.
4. Ask for customer reviews
Virtually every online store now pesters you with emails asking for feedback on your purchases, even if the item isn’t remotely worthy of a review.
I recently received an email from Habitat asking me to review a range of dinner plates. What should I say about her? “Good for serving food. Much better than pouring the sauce straight onto the table. Five stars.”
Even more bizarrely, comedy writer Neil Gibbons received an email from a Manchester hotel where he had stayed, asking him to check his car park. God knows what he wrote. “Ideal rectangular shape. Much better than the round or triangular parking lots that are so popular these days.”
5. Waiters ask you, “How’s your food?” every two bites
A heartfelt thank you. In fact, it’s just as nice as it was 30 seconds ago when you last asked.
6. Hollywood directors who lavishly make oversized films
Even children’s animations now seem to last longer than the siege of Mafeking. For the sake of our suffering bums, the government should do that set a strict time limit of two hoursand the director a fine of £1million for every minute he exceeds.
7. Van drivers driving across crosswalks
I don’t know why the law gives them special permission to do this. At least I assume so. Because they all do.
8. Put up condescending signs on the subway
‘Hold onto the railing’, ‘Be patient with others’, ‘Always wash your hands before and after driving’. Does Sadiq Khan believe he is our mother? Next: “Don’t forget to say please and thank you”, “Did you brush your teeth?”, “Well, you should have left before you left the house like I told you.”
9. Loud eating
It’s an iron law of the universe that the loudest eaters are always the slowest. Maybe that’s why modern restaurants play such loud music. They try to drown out their customers’ table manners.
10. Whining about incredibly small everyday inconveniences
Honestly, it’s just so spoiled, pathetic and lacking in confidence. You wouldn’t catch me doing it.
Source : news.yahoo.com